A free lunch. 

There’s no such thing. There just ain't. 

As a caged elephant might explain, while there ain't no rest for the wicked, money certainly doesn’t grow on trees. 

I’ve got pottery bills to pay, I have planty mouths to feed.

There ain't nothing in this world for free.

Feel free to let that set in, then do take a moment to ponder if you should really ask me, “Hi, is this available? What’s free?”

Sometimes people will stumble onto my content months after it was posted, so it’s completely fair to ask if the items shown are still available, for purchase; but for the love of all that is good, know that There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch (TANSTAAFL).

But doesn’t the listing say free? Doesn’t that mean everything is free? You’re free to draw your own conclusions. I mean we all have free will after all. In fact, I’m counting on you being a free thinker. Why?

Because “free”, you’re mine.

Free your mind, and in time, you’ll realize that I am A House of Pots, located at:

1620 w 74th way Denver CO 80221 (open Sat & Sun from 11 to 6)

and I offer all of the following for free:

Free entry

Free admission

Free omission 

Free anecdotes

Free internships

Freedom of expression

Free information

Free status updates

Free pictures

Free tours

Free trials and tribulations

Free tap water

Free lunch recommendations

Free Mandela 

Free Willy

Free WiFi

Free where and why

Free continental breakfast before 8 am

Free pottery jargon because that’s who I am

Free hyperlinks

Free literacy tests 

Free middle fingers up, to my competition 

Freestyle 

Free Spotify trial

(1 month free)

Free middle fingers up, to my opposition

Freedom to buy what you’ll buy

Free advice

Free suggestions 

Free Tibet

Free Tibet!

Free to bet I’m the best yet

Free from harm

Free as a bird

In a free world

It’s a free country 

Free spirits

Freeway adjacency 

Free loading

Free time

A moment to get free

Free rein in my pottery domain

Fancy free

Living in your head rent-free

Free to be of one’s own accord

Free Google searches of Honda Accords

Freelance tomfoolery

Olly olly oxen free

Free tickets to funky town

Free Fetty Wap references

Free trips to Sherrelwood

Free rides in your own car (plant girl / guy math)

Free passes to the “gunn” show

Free show of hands

Free range Rudy references

Free cactus kisses

Scot-free conversations

Free speech

Free compliments

Free friendship

Free translation

Free estimates

Free hands

Free falling

The feeling that you’re home free

Free scheduling

Free enterprise

Free pottery consultation (a $500 value) 

Free superfluous pallets

Free broken pottery

Free rein over your own broken pottery video

Free planting services

Free clippings

Free discounts

Free rescues

Free potting services

Free nursery pots

Free plants or pots for kids

Free resin planters

Free “free plants” if my free plant guy comes by

The truth will set you free.

The truth is, I’m a store, and I sell these things. I do toss in freebies, and they come in many forms, especially for return customers. But you know what they say, the only free cheese is in the mousetrap. 

So yes, this is a trap. Like the late Admiral Ackbar exclaimed, “it’s a trap!”

All these things that you want are conveniently located in one place, in North Denver, at A House of Pots, and are available on the weekends, Saturdays and Sundays, from 11 to 6. 

My address is 1620. Look at that in military time. My hours above also indicate that I’m open at 1738. 

I’m the Fetty Wap of this game, and you’re my trap queen. I’ve got one eye on dropping some bars, but technically I’m barred from not being serious for a moment and giving your free insights into this operation. 

I do sell plants. Mostly easy to care for houseplants. Philodendron, ZZ plants, snake plants, dracaena, pothos, money trees, some succulents, christmas cactus, and cacti too. They cost between $10 and $160, but $20 to $35 is the average. 

Pots? Yes, I also sell all the delightful decorative planters you see, whether terracotta, ceramic, resin, or otherwise. Handmade items, typically from Mexico, cost more, in no small part because they’re the most desirable. Expect $1 to $40 on American red clay pots. My Mexican cylinders range from $25 to $150 and the matching trays, if so desired, cost extra. The sweet spot on a 6” glazed planter is $20 and I have options ranging from $5 (3 to 6 inches) to $130 (up to 18 inches). I can custom order estate sized planters that are excessively wide or tall, and you should expect these to cost at least $250. 

If this was all too much to process, or you just have other questions, feel free to reach me at:

<< 909 >> << 744 >> << 7708 >> 

- or - 

@ahouseofpots

I feel like I’ve laid it all out pretty well for you here. TANSTAAFL. No free lunches, just non existent continental breakfast. Nothing that you actually want is likely for free. It’s a trap. You should avert your eyes and, also, Ackbar shops here. That guy is sick.  

Feel free to quit reading (you’re free as a bird at any time) or, instead, you could digest this nonsensical pottery jargon:

Loveland loves a garden and Greeley always needs pots near me that they grab from yard sale gardens for their succulent or little cactus. You’re looking for a pottery shop near me with stoneware, garage sale prices, and planters greener than a green greenhouse. You don’t need mcm Gainey pottery to grow aloe Parker, any pot will do. Whether you’re in Brighton or Boulder, or if you have a plant shop in Westminster, I’m the planter and plant store near me. It’s Erie how I link porcelain, hiking, and Lakewood with a terracotta twist. If you’re near Denver and need plants and pottery near me, look for the home of low, low prices not far from Northglenn. Fort Collins knows where to find the goods without fishing for that pottery store near me. Thornton loves a monstera; Federal Heights a philodendron. If you can’t find tree sized red clay at an estate sale in Commerce City, come on down for some much ceramic they can be seen climbing into the Golden gardening horizon. Whether they need a vegetable box, succulents, or a plant stand (made from pots), a cacti gardener comes running from Wheat Ridge, Centennial, Littleton or wherever because I’ve got the plant pottery they need. Longmont, Aurora, Broomfield, and Louisville, I hope you were taking notes, because I am that pottery shop. You might be able to find other ceramics in Arvada, just like you can find trees growing out of the cement in Castle Rock, but if you really want Superior plants near me, find the guy with that jargon, pottery barn. 

Still got you, huh? I suppose I could give you a free show. Rudy, queue that sick trap beat.

(Press play on the the video above and continue to read)

<< Infectious trap beat from 10 years ago trills >>

Rudy Gets Fcuked Productions

Read me Boyz, yeah

Open until 1738, ayy

I'm like, "hey, what's up, hello"

Seen some pretty plants soon as you came in the door

I just want a thrill, got a stack of pots for us to show

Married to the money, introduced her to plants by my stove

Show up and come kick it, now we remix pots on the low

She my plant queen, let her pick the band though

Plants be counting up, watch how fast them hands go

Don’t get upset and go, talking matching plants though

At 56, a gram has 5 hundred plants though

Man, I swear I love her how she work that moss pole

Forget the bridge club, we be getting plants though

Healthy buddies awaiting, we just call them plants though

In love with honey colored pots, I ain't never letting go

And I get nine with my baby (why baby?)

I just left with them all I'm getting fly with plant babies, yeah

And I can’t hide with my new babies (my babies)

I be on a mission picking supplies with plant ladies, yeah

And I can’t write without my babies

I’ll just get them all, I'm forgetting why I need 80, yeah

And I can try being a plant lady

I be in the kitchen looking wise 

Talking to plants like, "Hey, what's up? Hello"

Just kidding. It’s a trap, queen. 

*** Fetty. Free lunches. Feel free to reread it all again, but answer me this: would you really buy these cows if Ackbar got the milk for free? ***

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